Let me tell you a story of how generational trauma spreads…
Very early in my psychology classes I realized a pattern. If a parent was “too something” then the children either follow suit or choose the equal and opposite. Example, a mother who is too dependent (refuses to make decisions, has no goals, visions of self, career, feels like they have no purpose) would create a child that was just as dependent and/or one who was terrified of dependence.
This is the repetition or overcompensation. The only space in between is if a child can recognize those patterns, and take full accountability for their role in reconstructing them. NOT BLAME. But understand that as an adult it is their job to shift this within themselves. This takes intense behavioral training. Essentially your life programming must be redone. That is why we usually can’t heal this until we are in a position to choose our own partners, and usually not until a couple of relationship crashes. In the first relationships they would either choose dependence or show terror of dependence.
Neither child is better off then the other. Dependence means self-sacrifice. Anxiety. Feeling completely out of control with life. Like life is just something that happens that they have no control over. They may even turn to substance abuse because it’s the only thing they can control that while escaping the world that seems so overwhelming. They let a partner decide their life. Take over completely and then live on feeling lost, blaming others when things to happen or align, expecting others to manage life for them.
The other, a go getter, on fire, independent, strong-willed, confident in their own ability to take care of themselves. BUT, completely unable to maintain a relationship because they refuse to let themselves be vulnerable in any way. They feel like if they allow themselves to vulnerable they show weakness and weakness means dependence.
Vulnerability is necessary in love. It’s the door to feeing and being felt. Dependence is not. Refusing to let yourself be vulnerable also means that the only partner you are capable of pulling in, is fully dependent one. Continuing the cycle with both children the reflection and the overcompensation.
Remember, overcompensation is a wound.
We all carry dependence to a degree. But dependence that is debilitating is different. Our energy actually changes it’s total competition to a more parasitic energy then a singular unit. It becomes so dependent on others that they pick up all the anxiety emotions and ups and downs of those they are connected too. The anti vulnerable ones miss a lot of meaningful connections as their energy simply wont allow anyone to connect, even if it was planned to be.