A trigger is something that reminds you of something that caused you great harm. Many times victims avoid the triggers as it brings back the memory of the pain and helplessness they felt at that point and time. We often look at a trigger from the victim’s perspective. For a moment, let’s look at it through the abuser’s perspective.
“I am suffering. I have pain. I cannot heal that pain because I don’t know how. It feels overwhelming and explosive. I feel unlovable and unwanted. The only way someone will stay is if I trick them into staying. I have to make them believe they are worthless, like me. I have to make them believe they are useless, like me. I will do everything I can to make them believe they are unlovable, like me, so I don’t have to be alone and face this world alone. If they knew just how perfect they were, they would leave.”
Abuse is a power tactic. You are mentally and emotionally systematically destroyed. Not because you deserve it. Not because you did anything wrong. Not because you are a bad person or have bad karma. But because you chose a partner who doesn’t know how to heal. Abuse is a control mechanism. A limitation system. A brainwashing program. Spend enough time hearing these things, and you will begin to believe in yourself. You will begin to limit yourself to make your partner more comfortable intentionally.
The issue? This person won’t be ready for healing, no matter how long you stay or how hard you love. Your presence is food. Free food means they will never have to make their own. Never making their own food means never moving out of these patterns and never needing to change. You complying with the abuse patterns can be used as “proof” that this system is “good enough.” Only after a couple of repeated failed attempts with different food sources do people really get the picture if they get the picture. You complying means you are enabling their inability to heal, keeping them stuck. Choosing to be explosive when you are triggered is conducting the trauma. Becoming the trauma. Resonating the abuse patterns more then patterns of healing.
Person 1: sees a post they disagree with. Has been greatly traumatised by abusive relationship. Chooses not do heal. Explodes at the poster.
Person 2: sees a post they disagree with. Has been greatly traumatised by abusive relationship. Is now aware that the post has triggers a wound within her and instead chooses to self reflect, journal, send those wounds love instead of attack.
People cannot be saved. Yes, people ABSOLUTELY have an infinite capacity for evolving, healing, and changing —when and only when they are ready to take accountability and action never because they were forced, manipulated, loved enough to mend their wounds.
So you see, triggers are hard. Very hard. Overwhelming, in fact. But we have two choices. Comply and let our abuser’s programs linger in our subconscious OR face them and rewrite them. Take back our power. Own our divinity. Know our worth.
copyright protected Jessenia Nozzolillo 2020